1. Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline……”

2. If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly.

3. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2

for you.

4. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,and 6.

5. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you

want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

6. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be

transferred to the mother ship.

7. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small

voice will tell you which number to press.

8. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which

number you press,no one will answer.

9. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

10. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the

pound key until a representative comes on the line.

11. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,

address,telephone number,mother’s maiden name.

12. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,

s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

13. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message

after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.

Please wait for the beep.

14. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 .

15. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

All operators are too busy to talk to you.”

16. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan,lay

down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

17. If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just

mess it up.

Written by Liekie @ 09:42:59 am
Tags: joke, mental hospital, phone

Today I received another joke by -email from Cleo:

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat 
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news 
was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a 
tall building preparing to jump. 
  
The blonde looked at Homer and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” 
  
Homer said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump” 
  
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” 
  
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive 
off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.” 
  
Homer replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 
o’clock news and knew he would jump.” 
  
The blonde replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.” 

Written by Liekie @ 01:33:33 am
Tags: joke

Today received a joke by mail, itn was send by Janneman:

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

“Magic Beer,” he says.

She thinks he’s a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, “That isn’t really Magic Beer, is it?”

“Yes, I’ll show you.”

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can’t believe it: “I bet you can’t do that again.”

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, “Give her one of what I’m having.” She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, “You know, Superman, sometimes you’re a real asshole when you’ve been drinking.”

Written by Liekie @ 04:51:39 pm
Tags: bar, beer, joke, magic